I know the feeling. As a grant writer, I’m as good as my last award and as bad as my last rejection. Past awards mean nothing. They go into the great abyss of the nonprofit world’s operational and capital needs. And whatever I raise is never enough. But I understand after several years at the game. There’s always the crisis of roof repairs and all sorts of building upgrades or renovations. And, of course, staff needs to be paid on a regular basis. So it goes in the life of a professional beggar. Yet, some kind souls, even board members, remind me how many millions I’ve raised. Yet, it’s hard to validate it in my mind. Eventually I’m back into the world of “What have you done for me lately?” And on the worst of days, I feel like an imposter and I wonder if I ever raised any of the money on my own volition. I defer to the mission being the attraction, or the charismatic executive director, or anything else other than my skill at raising money or writing a persuasive argument. Yes, I know I sound like I’m throwing a pity party here, but this is a real gut-wrenching feeling. Most days I feel like an imposter regardless of successes. And the rejections are never easy. They are a reality when you put yourself out there for any reason, whether it’s fundraising or marketing your own work as an artist!
So I’ll switch to the other side of me, the writer of my own work aside from grant writing. I think all writers have a tinge of feeling unworthy of being called a writer. I could be wrong, though. But, even self-assured artists probably have a vulnerability to how their art will be perceived. And does it all stem from perfectionism? I think that’s a part of it for most people, including me. I’m a recovering perfectionist! I know how to defeat myself when I miss the mark or stumble and fall. But I’ve learned to dust myself off and start over in every aspect of my life, especially with failings. Although initially devastating, failures and the inevitable rejections are not the end of the world. But the imposter syndrome takes a bit of a detour from perfectionism. It’s a feeling of unworthiness, and I have great difficulty combating it, especially as a fundraiser. I feel like I’ll never be in a position to ask for a raise even though family members insist that I’m underpaid for my level of responsibility and experience in the organization. I work three days per week, but I’m called to bring in as much money as when I worked fulltime. And, although I’m salaried, I’m paid for 24 hours per week no matter how many hours I clock in. So I keep my tiime in check. There’s a part of me that believes if I ask for a salary increase I’d have to reach a new level of accomplishment and I’m barely getting the job done now in a shortened work week.
The artist side of me, for some reason, feels less of an imposter. And I wonder why. Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten good reviews on my first book “Unearthing Christmas.” Obviously, readers connected with something in the story! In my screenwriting endeavors, More recently, I stripped back a screenplay to my vision after an option fell through. When working with the potential production company, I made eight revisions in three months or so. None were fully satisfactory to the director on the project. The story was always a little out of reach of what the production team envisioned. No deal was sealed. I reverted the script back to my vision which placed as a semifinalist in the ScreenCraft Family Film category. So there was great validation to that exercise.
But now the imposter is back as I publish my second book, “The Years In Between,” in a series entitled “The Miriam Chronicles.” The manuscript went through the gauntlet, and I should be glad for it, since I think it made the final draft better if not the best it could be. I always believe there’s room for improvement. Yet , I’ve learned how to deal with the perfectionist and let things go! But then the imposter sneaks in and whispers in my ear. “Readers may not like it, even if you think it’s good!” Oh, how I temper these thoughts and carry on with my work.
Meanwhile, I gleaned some tips from the internet on how to deal with Imposter syndrome. The basic laundry list approach includes, among others: (1) Celebrate your successes; (2) Let go of perfectionism; (3) Cultivate self-compassion. There are other suggestions that are well and good, but I’ll add a few of my own. My first thought: Perseverance!!! It’s my go-to attitude for anything unsavory in life, whether a relationship, my negative thoughts, or some burden I’ve exacted on myself. Persevere in it and through it!! Let me add something to the mix. PRAYER and perseverance!! I know we are here in this world to discover and use our talents. No imposter syndrome can negate that reality! Whether I fail or not, my work continues, and I must be always open to improvements. And that’s also a way to combat perfectionism. Humility! Why? Because the perfectionist in me doesn’t want to deal with the craft of writing unless I create perfection. And how can I make something better if I won’t even start with the imperfect?
So, prayer, perseverance, and humility are my three-pronged approach to dealing with the imposter lurking in my conscious or subconscious. The imposter can’t survive such a threesome! I’m now back at writing the third book in my five-novel series. Do I have my doubts? Of course!! Do I stress out about what to write or if it’s any good? Naturally! Will it stop me from moving forward? Only I can make the choice! And I choose to move forward! Don’t give up or give in. Engrave the emblems of prayer, perseverance and humility on your shield to fight the Imposter Syndrome! Be Strong! Be Creative! Don’t give up!